Cold Turkey
by dantesdarkqueen
Summary: Reno is told by his doctor that he has to quit smoking, and Elena gets roped into helping him. But what happens when a nicotine addict and professional hitman is denied his cigarettes? Elena had better run for her life!


**Disclaimer: **If the world was perfect, I would own FFVII and Reno. Sadly, the world is far from perfect, and I own _nada_.

**Summary: **Reno's doctor informs him that he had to quit smoking, or he's got less than a year to live. Elena gets roped into helping him quit cold turkey, but what happens when a crazy nicotine addict is denied his smokes?

**Queen's Quornor: **I have to admit, I got this idea from Berkley Breathed's "Bloom County" comic strip. But as I was reading the strips, I suddenly started seeing Reno in place of Steve Dallas, and got to wondering what would happen if he had to quit smoking. More importantly, who would be his Opus? I tried to make this a chapter for "Evidence of Sephiroth's Humanity," but it just didn't work if I used Seph or Zack as his nicotine officer. So, in reviewing the storyline, I decided that it was time to torture Elena for once.

Cold Turkey

"Hey Reno, you got a call from a Dr. Peterson. Pick up on line 2." Reno nodded to the nameless secretary and went to his desk, picking up the phone and pressing the indicated button. He took a seat and shook a cancerstick out of the pack in his pocket.

"Yo, doc."

_"Reno, I've been looking over your latest medical tests and x-rays, and I have come to a conclusion concerning your health."_

"And that would be?" he inquired, flipping open his lighter and applying the flame to the cigarette between his lips.

_"You have to quit smoking." _Reno nearly inhaled his cigarette. Coughing violently, he almost shouted into the phone "What?"

_"Your lungs are practically shot. You know that cough you've developed? It's where the cilia in your lungs are dying off and getting clumped together. Reno, if you keep chain-smoking the way you do, you're going to kick the bucket in about eight to fourteen months."_

"Eight to fourteen months, huh?" Reno pondered this for a moment, sucking on his cigarette. "You know, a man can pack a lot of living into eight months."

_"Reno, doctor's orders: quit smoking. Cold chocobo. Now."_

"Doc, I think my lungs are my business." "

_"The ladies won't like you very much if you smell like cigarettes and constantly cough in their face while having sex with them."_

That got his attention. Reno hated anything that interfered with his love life. "Ok, ok. I'll quit smoking. Tomorrow."

_"No, now. Cold chocobo."_

"Jeez, no time to just give up one pack per day?"

_"Reno, you told me you've been smoking up to five, six cartons a day. Now with the way your lungs are, there is no way you can afford to just cut back. You have to quit right now, or you're going to die. Period, end of story."_

The redhead sighed. "Ok, fine. I'll quit. Today."

_"Good. Now get that cigarette out of your mouth."_

He stared at the phone, shocked. "So you're psychic now, Doc?"

_"No, I just know my patients. Good luck, Reno. Better enlist some help. Your willpower when it comes to nicotine is extremely low." _The doctor hung up before Reno could shout in his ear.

He leaned back in his chair and took the cigarette out, looking at it thoughtfully. Then he flicked it into the trash can and went to find his fellow Turks.

\/\/\/\/\/\/\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Rude, Elena, and Tseng were relaxing in the break room when Reno came in. "Good, you're all here. Saves me the trouble of chasing you down for my big announcement."

"What big announcement, Reno?" Rude asked, sipping his coffee. "Found out another woman's having your baby again?"

"No." Aqua eyes glared at the bald man before their owner resumed his speech. "I just found out that I have to quit smoking, cold chocobo. Just like that. Or, I have only eight to fourteen months to live."

"Well, congratulations Reno." Tseng snapped his newspaper and continued reading it.

"Good luck." Rude refilled his mug.

"You can do it, Reno." Elena finished filing her nail and blew on it.

"I'm not finished yet. The doctor said I might need some help with this, at least for the initial withdrawl. And I knew I could count on my bestest best friends to help me out with this." Reno beamed at them, spreading his arms wide. "So, who wants to help me kick this habit?"

Rude and Tseng paled. Before Elena or Reno could move, there was a sudden blur racing for the door and down the hall, followed by some of the papers in the break room. It took the pair a moment to realize that had been Rude and Tseng.

Elena stood up. "Well, if you want some help, I'd be willing to volunteer. Smoking's a disgusting habit, and I'm proud of you for trying to stop."

"Thanks, 'Lena." Reno turned back to the hallway. "C'mon. You have to hide my cigs."

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

"_All _of these? Reno, just how many packs have you squirreled away in here?" Elena stared at the pile of cigarette packs overflowing Reno's desk. He was still rummaging around the office, and already the count was somewhere over thirty. She'd lost track.

"I dunno. Some of these have been in here for awhile." He shook out a vase, and three packs fell out. "Hey, I haven't smoked this brand since I first joined the Turks!"

"And how long ago was that?"

"Six years."

Elena rolled her eyes. "Just when did you start smoking anyway?"

"Um… I think I was nine."

"Nine years old? Reno, what the hell were you doing smoking at age nine?"

He straightened, and gave her a level look. "Let's just say that I had my reasons, 'Lena."

He was not about to tell the rookie that he had started smoking to deal with the loss of his beloved mother, after his father beat her to death.

She shrugged, and started gathering up the cartons. "All right, I'll take care of these. You stay here until I get back, and get some rope and a wooden chair."

"Why a rope and chair?"

"Because if you smoke this much, I'm going to need some extra insurance that you won't attack me when the nicotine levels in your blood go down."

\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

After disposing of the cigarettes, Elena returned to Reno's office to find that he was sitting in a chair from the break room, some rope laying on the floor next to him. "Tie me up, baby," he instructed with a flirty wink.

Elena rolled her eyes and started work on securing him. She tied his arms behind the chair, his ankles to the front legs, and looped some rope around his thighs and around his chest and waist. By the time she was finished, both of them were certain that it would take a hacksaw to get him free. The blonde grabbed Reno's EMR and leaned against his chest, checking her watch. "Ok, so you had your last cigarette about twenty minutes ago?"

"Yeah, while Doc Peterson was talking to me." Reno squirmed slightly, testing the knots. "You certainly know your knots, 'Lena."

"Thanks."

They sat there for a moment before Reno started talking again. "You know, this is going to be a cinch. I don't need cigarettes. I bet I'm not even addicted to them! I've got this habit _licked_!"

Elena smiled tightly. She had once helped her sister quit smoking, and knew what to expect. The worst was yet to come.

\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

"40 minutes."

"Yessiree, I can do this. Slam dunk!" Reno rocked slightly in his chair, and Elena's sharp eyes noted the layer of sweat that was beginning to cover his face. His eyes were starting to look a little…twitchy. "This habit is done for! I'm home free! Not a drop of nicotine is ever going in these lungs ever again!"

"That's great, Reno." His hands were spasming slightly now. "Just keep going. You're doing great. Remember: cigarettes are evil. They will only kill you if you give in. Fight the enemy, Reno!"

"I'm fighting it! I'm fighting it!" He shifted. "I'm gonna do this! Nicotine, you suck! You can't beat me! I'm gonna win!"

\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

"Give me a cigarette before I throw you out the friggin' window."

Elena looked up from her watch. It had only been about 55 minutes since Reno's last cigarette. She had halfway been expecting something like this. Her sister had threatened her, too. "No, Reno."

"'Lena, this isn't funny anymore! I have to have my smokes!" He rocked back in the chair, then slammed forward, sweating profusely now. "My head feels funny! My nerves are screaming! I need a cigarette, 'Lena! My brain is going to explode!"

The chair was jumping up and down now as Reno fought the ropes. His goggles slipped down over his eyes, and Elena was thankful for that. In the time she had been in here with him, his eyes had gone completely bloodshot and crazy. "No, I'm not going to give you any cigarettes."

"'Lena!" Reno threw his head back, his entire body straining against his bindings. An animalistic growl erupted from his throat. "If you don't give me a smoke right this instant, I am going to _murder _your scrawny ass!"

"Um… No." Elena started to back towards the door. She didn't like the look in Reno's eyes right now, visible through the goggles.

"'Lena!" There was a snapping sound as the rope on his right leg broke. Elena's eyes widened. _Nobody_ had ever broken through one of her knots before. Reno was now struggling to his feet, chair and all. His bloodshot eyes were fixed on his female coworker. "'Lena! Smoke, NOW!"

"No!" She bolted from the room.

"'LENA!" His enraged scream was followed by another snapping sound, and the blonde looked back just in time to see Reno staggering out of his office, on his feet but still technically in the chair. He spotted her, and started running towards her.

Elena took off, followed closely by her crazed coworker. He was focused only on her; nobody else was suffering his wrath. In fact, she almost ran into some of the paperpushers as she fled from Reno, and she heard him yelling at them to get out of his way as she made it to the stairwell. She was halfway to the next floor when the door suddenly banged open. "'LLLEEEENNAAAAAA!" She cursed, and threw herself over the railing just as Reno came into view. Swinging to the next floor down, she hauled open the door and hurried through, slamming it closed and leaning against it. A few moments later, she felt and heard a _bam!_, as if someone had rammed the door.

"'Lena!" The next few blows came hard and fast, like Reno was kicking the door. He shouted her name between each hit. Elena just leaned against the door and prayed that he would wear himself out soon. There were two more snaps, and then it was quiet.

But she didn't dare hope that this was over yet. Reno just wasn't the type to give up on something when he set his mind to it. And right now, what he wanted more than anything was to kill her for denying him his beloved cigarettes.

So, she used the calm to melt the door shut with his EMR, sealing it tight.

Just as she started to relax, a violent blow rocked the door. She heard a grunt, then the scrape of something metallic as the door gave inward slightly. Then there was an enraged roar, and something slammed into the door again. Soon, a dent appeared just beside her head.

He'd found the emergency fire hatchet.

Her name was screamed one more time before the metal gave way, the head of an axe tearing through beside her head. Elena screamed and jumped away just as Reno's face appeared in the hole. He gave her a truly insane grin.

"Heeeeeere's Reno!"

She stumbled back and tore at the miniature walkie-talkie in her pants-pocket. "Tseng, Rude. I need backup! Repeat: I need backup!"

Tseng's voice crackled across the screen. _"What's your location?"_

"49th floor, stairwell B."

_"Hold on, Elena. We're on our way."_

Reno was still hacking at the door, trying to make the hole big enough so he and the chair could fit through. Elena backed against the opposite door, trapped. She didn't have a keycard to get through, and she'd left her slide-picks back in her office.

Suddenly there was a _phoot! _and a small feathered dart appeared in Reno's neck. He froze, then dropped like a stone to lie on the ground. Elena slowly stood up, unsure of what had happened, then sighed in relief as Tseng and Rude came down the stairs. Rude was carrying a tranquilizer rifle. He checked Reno's pulse as Tseng kicked at the door. "You all right, Elena?"

"Yes, sir. He didn't get his hands on me."

"Good. Now what did you do to this door?"

"Situation was life-threatening. I was forced to melt the door shut using Reno's electro-mag rod."

One elegant brow was arched. "Interesting solution, Elena. Good work."

She blushed. "Thank you, sir."

Rude cut Reno's bonds, and hauled the smaller man onto his shoulder. "Shall we go? He'll be out of it for an hour, at least."

"Yes, please." Elena wormed through the hole and followed the men up the stairs. "Where did you get the gun, anyway?"

"We keep it on hand in case Hojo's experiments get loose. This is not the first time it's seen use. Trust me."

Back in Reno's office, Rude laid his snoozing partner out on top of the desk. "What are we supposed to do to keep him from killing everybody while on nicotine withdrawl?"

"Beats me." Elena shrugged.

"Keep him drugged when he is not needed, and under close surveillance when he is required on duty. We will help him kick this habit, but we can't have him killing the workers while he tries to overcome his addiction." Tseng smacked the redhead's arm, reprimanding him.

"Sir? Call on line 5," the secretary yelled.

Giving the others a confused look, Tseng picked the phone up. "Hello?"

_"This is Dr. Peterson. Is Reno there?"_

"He is…unavailable at the moment. Can I take a message?"

_"Tell him that he does not have to quit smoking, though I would recommend that he do so. My nurse got Reno's file mixed up with a 'Zeno'."_

"You mean, Reno is not going to die in eight to fourteen months if he does not quit smoking?" the Wutaian asked, slightly dazed.

_"On the contrary. For a chain smoker, he's got the healthiest set of lungs I've ever seen. In fact, they're better than most non-smokers' lungs. Must be the mako or something. But no, he does not have to quit smoking. Give him my apologies."_

"I shall." Tseng gently set the phone down, and looked at Rude. "Give him the antidote, and a cigarette. Elena, I have a mission for you and Reno."

"And that would be, sir?" The blonde Turk looked absolutely furious.

"A visit to the doctor and nurse who fed both you and Reno false information. He does not have to quit smoking. I thought you might want to tell him your feelings on this matter in person."

"Oh, you bet I do." Elena slapped the fire hatchet against her palm, watching with intense blue eyes as Reno woke up and Rude explained the situation to him. "I definitely do."


End file.
